This is part two of how I was inspired to dig deeper into the Word of God, learn who my God really was and to live my life trying to glorify God by trying to live my life that is a reflection of Him. My mom – In her, I have found inspiration. But in Him, I found my strength and salvation. So now we will pick up were we left of in part one.
At the hospital, they monitored her high fever and provided a needed blood transfusion. This kept happening over and over again for the next few months, until it was decided to send her back to the cancer hospital. Two weekends before she passed away. An unexpected call came in, that night I cried and pleaded with God to not to take her away. I even demanded Him not to make me tell my son , his grandmother had passed away. God did answer that prayer but not in the way I would had preferred. There was hope, she was improving. Two weeks later, however another call came in bearing bad news. The doctors had told us there was nothing more they could do for her, she was losing blood faster than they were able to transfuse into her. The next time they will not revive her and that she only had about 24 hours left. Very early the next morning, my aunt picked up my son and I then took us to the other side of the state to be with her.
Testing Time Begins…
We got to send 45 minutes with her before she passed away. Up to this point, I had felt all along God was going to save her and now here I was sitting on a grassy nole, holding my son for dear life trying to explain to him through the tears what we had just witnessed as plain as I could to a six-year-old. Trying to comfort him saying “Mommo doesn’t have to imagine anymore what heaven will be like because she is now sitting at the feet of Jesus”. As the months went by I was really beginning to question God. The biggest question was, Why!! She was faithful, she was dedicated, surely He could have used to her life further and then another kind of tragedy occurred. I was in a car accident that left me out of work for three months and rendering me with life long back problems. Unknown to me, God wasn’t through with me yet. Even though I was about ready to throw in the towel on Him.
The months between mom’s passing away and my accident (even though I was becoming resentful towards God) I did continue to serve in Sunday school and at Awanas on Wednesday night. But the questions in my mind were remaining unanswered. After the accident, I wasn’t able to attend church for about a month. When I was able to go back, I backed out of serving on Sundays and helped in awanas when I was able. During those months after the accident, I would sit in church and just go through the motions of worship. I was going through the motions of life, not content and not alive emotionally. Then one day a song came on the radio that touched me. I thought about it and then brushed it off until I heard it again and again. I started to let the words of this song sink in and then I turned to God in prayer, praying the word of the song to God asking for Him to help me. All the while, after her death, I heard more in church then I wanted to admit and the song that He used to help me move forward was “The Motions” by Matthew West. A desire placed in my heart by God that I didn’t want to go through life just going through the motions. I didn’t want to waste one more day not really feeling anything. I realized I wanted to be more like my mom’s character. Having a deeper understanding and relationship with my God and like her let my life be a better reflection of Him.
What I Learned…
It has taken a few years to realize what God had done in my life during this season. It was: God never went anywhere, He was being faithful the whole time, carrying me through it all. He was talking and I wasn’t listening. I was in self pity mode and content with blaming Him. I wasn’t just grieving the loss of what my life used to be, I was still grieving my mom. The questions still remain unanswered but the bitterness is gone.
At the end of the summer of 2010, my son and I started attending a different church fulltime and by December joined in membership. In the last four years of growing in our church, I have experienced such an amazing and deeper relationship with God. God has opened the eyes of my heart and has revealed how much grace, mercy and love that He has and still is poured over my life. He has also provided answers to questions that I never asked. He is my hope, my rock and my greatest source of unconditional love.
In His Love, Crisi